BORNEO  

I will never forget the day I found out that my son was gone….  My sister and her husband came to business expo that our company was part of.  I was excited to see them at first, but when they calmly asked me to get my things, I knew in my heart that something was terribly wrong.  As I was leaving with them, panic was taking over as I started guessing the situation.  I was not prepared for the news.  I collapsed.  The car ride to my husband seemed like an eternity.  I was asking how, why, when.

 

An immediate feeling of hopelessness and guilt came over me.  Did he try to reach out to me and I was not there?  All these thoughts were going through my mind like a record playing over and over.  I needed to get to him. 

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When I reached his house, I rushed in.  It was true and I remember thinking that maybe someone had made a mistake.  I had to see him, hold him and tell him that I was there. 

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When they brought him out, I asked for some time with him and it was the most calming moment of my life.  He looked beautiful and at peace.  I was not scared or frightened.  I talked to him for what seemed like an hour, and then kissed him on his forehead and whispered in his ear that I loved him. 

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That night I was so confused, I didn’t know what I should do.  I had to hold it together for my children, for my family and my husband.  I remember laying in bed, my heart pounding, the tears flowing and the out of control feeling I had.  I finally just got up and started walking, then running as hard as I could to try to get the heaviness out of my chest.  I sat on a bench in the park and I remember looking up and seeing a crescent moon with a star next to it.  It was Brandon watching over me and telling me, “mom, keep it together, you’re the strongest woman I know”. 

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I don’t know if I’m strong, I just know my son and he would not want me to give up on life.  So instead of living with him physically, I had to learn to live with him spiritually.

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With the help of his family and all of his closest friends, we took him home to the place he was the happiest.  Then we orchestrated a one-of-a-kind, most epic memorial, just for him.

  

I arranged for his friends to take his casket and modify it like he would have liked.  It was incredible, artistic and best of all, Brandon.  We transformed the sitting room into an area that was filled with all his favorite things, his guitar, his music, his art and beautiful pictures of him.  I know he was there.  It made everyone smile and reminisce about their memories. 

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I encouraged everyone to bring notes, pictures or anything they wanted to put in with Brandon.  It was healing to me and others to see him surrounded by everything he loved by the ones he loved the most.  It may sound strange, but I found comfort knowing he had his things. 

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At his service, we played Band of Horses, “The Funeral”.  I had my brother-in-law talk at the service and it was followed by wonderful stories from his sister, brother, step-father, uncle and close friends.  Everyone was given a white daisy to place on his casket and everyone shoveled dirt in as a last farewell.  Afterwards, we all gathered at one of his favorite places to hang out and tried to hold it together. 

I remember waking up and talking to him, asking him what now?  I could hear him tell me, “Mom, I want you to start creating art again”.  He was always my biggest fan, even though his artistic talents were beyond anything I could do.  My first creation came when I was given a copy of his thumbprint.  As I stared at this perfect swirl my mind started racing.  If I could take his thumbprint and make it raised, it would look like a beautiful piece of art.  Something that I could give to his family and close friends.  So I played with the image and had my company print it.  It turned out incredible.  I made copies for everyone and gave it to them for Christmas.  Everyone loved it.

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I knew I still needed to keep my mind busy and I have always struggled with autoimmune disease, Lupus, Celiac, Thyroid.  I had developed such allergic reactions to foods and body products after Brandon, that it seemed like I was in a vicious cycle. 

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I have always used holistic treatments and eating clean for a very long time and it had made a huge difference.  Unlike most that struggle with these diseases, I am lucky that I don’t have to take any medications, or pain meds.  I’ve been able to manage everything with eating right and exercise. (Not to say that I don’t have my challenges, especially with stressful situations).

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With all my research over the years I realized I was only half way there, my skin was absorbing chemicals too and it made sense to me that it had to be causing my body to be on defense all of the time.  So, I started making my own clean skin products.  My best friend, Nicole knew I loved creating and it all started with a body scrub and I was hooked.    

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For me, it was not enough to be clean organic products, I also wanted them to be beautiful too.  So, I decided that this was what I wanted to do in memory of my son.  I could help heal my body, and mind as well as help others.  And I was able to be artistic, he would have been proud. 

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As I sat thinking about what to call my skin products, I looked to Brandon’s photo and stared at him.  It was at that moment, I realized it was right in front of me.  I would use his tattoos, the Borneo Rose on his shoulders.  “Knowledge, Perfection, Into A New Life”.  It was perfect.  I snipped the image from him and that was the beginning of “My Healing Journey”. 

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Borneo Rose stands for everything I believe in and I am fortunate to hear all of the stories of how it has helped others or how much they love everything. The support I get from my family and friends has been overwhelming.   

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The longing to talk to him, to hold and hug him never goes away, and the tears still flow, but at least now, I get to create something beautiful with him always. 

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It’s been a year now and for you Brandon, I have created a website for your family and friends to heal, to be a part of and to never forget.  This website will be a forever reminder of how you impacted each of our lives and the never ending, “Healing Journey”.

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I love you Bran©

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~Mom